'Beauty is within the eye of the beholder' is the biggest cliche and yet the most accurate description of the concept of beauty. In my observation of different cultures and through living in the moderately-sized city of Cologne, I found one definition to be true. I will tell you what it is before the end of this journal, but before getting there I have to state the process that gave me the answer and that I think every young person beating themselves up in our modern society (and on Instagram) should know. For those who do not wish to read the long reasons behind the answer, you can go straight to the answer marked below and think for yourself at what level it was proven true in your own life experience.
You are also welcome to read my personal study in this journal.
How beauty is perceived is completely different from your standard model.The superficial society would look at a tall, slender, long-haired, symmetrical woman and categorize her as beautiful. It would also look at a muscular, well-trained, symmetrical, tall man with a beard nowadays, enough hair on his head and categorize him as handsome. While these attributes may be true to the average person (it's what defines standard beauty), there are other points of observation that we have completely ignored in our obsession to fulfill what mainstream culture dictates (no, I'm not talking about personality or the whole package deal... this journal is completely about outer appearance. I am discussing the superficial because it is important to discuss)
These points that had nothing to do with standard beauty happened to me more than once. For example, when I was chatted up by those I believed to be out of my league, which confused me (I am not your conventional standard beauty) or when I heard comments like 'your hair is like my sister's'. They proved that there was something else I was ignoring that negated standard beauty altogether (I am not talking about personality even though it is a part of it, it is not the compensation that you believe it is). That's why I think it's important to share it, especially to models or young people trying to reach perfection in a superficial city.
Did you ever see a couple together, where he or she is attractive, and the other one is not? You automatically think of all the other possibilities of why these two came together, whether you admit it or not, you do. In some cases you would be right.
They include reasons such as: the other one probably had a great personality, or... the other one's rich, maybe an arranged marriage or the attractive one has low self-esteem.
If it's a woman, many think she's sick of immaturity and chose to settle for someone who may not be a model but is decent. Even though this case happens to men too. Parts of these arguments may be true (especially if the other person barely ever makes an effort to be presentable, it increases the likelihood of these thoughts). However, If we are judging someone who is just average in standard beauty in comparison:
- these points may be completely wrong because all these arguments function under the assumption that it cannot be the other person's outer appearance that attracted him/her in the first place. It's because we never understood perceived beauty. Are you starting to understand the definition of beauty that I am getting at?
It's not a cliche answer, it's a psychological one that will apply to each and every one of you. The first indication of it is when you find someone attractive (who may even match the standard beauty category) that completely does not agree with your friend's perception. That's when they use the phrase 'They're ok, they're just not my type.'
How often did that happen to you and made you wonder how your friend could disagree?
To understand what qualifies me: As someone who is a keen observer of people, I had perceived my surroundings as my personal social window to understanding them 'based on their decisions'. I have been doing this for years, and concluding the patterns, because that's where the answers lie. Anyone who knows me would know about Thuraya's weird social interactions. I had to admit that I was convinced of the mainstream ideology, and believed that if I trained more, grew my hair longer and fixed my imperfections, I would be more desirable and 'finally' beautiful (all my other beautiful aspects didn't count when there was a part of me I didn't like. I know many reading this know what I'm talking about). By the way, yes, obviously I would be more desirable! I am not negating any of that and I think anyone who does is living in denial. Working on your appearance is never a minus. I am not a poor ugly soul with a personal agenda of trying to convince the world to accept me or accept themselves. I do believe in and love the power of beauty (and yes I do value intellect, but for the sake of argument let us focus on the superficial. It's what this journal is about). I know I could find beauty in me, but I've gone through the failed experience of trying to be 'perfect'... which everyone knows does not end well, yet they still strive for it because it's better than doing nothing about it. Right?
Through that, their confidence is shattered when they believe they're failing or having a bad day, some even blaming it on their hormones, but the actual fact is, you are following an ideal that doesn't exist, and you're failing at it because the moment someone does not find you as attractive as someone else, you question your beauty and start from 0, requiring your friends to build your confidence back up again by telling you to ignore people like that etc. (it makes you feel a little better, but the fundamental problem is still there, and all you're thinking is, I'll work harder to prove them wrong)
As someone who passed that stage of worry and finally gained confidence that seized to be affected by mainstream beauty, that is exactly what I want to address, because it's a misunderstanding of beauty's concept. That's why I think anyone going through this now needs to read this. I am not writing this because I got myself out of the 'game' and accepted myself the way I am. That again, is ridiculous none-sense and another misconception. People who strive to be better are not going to just accept themselves and stop improving, nor should you. It's a lazy excuse.
The answer:
The mainstream expectations are true... but (I cannot emphasize this enough) only to a certain extent. That is because there is a difference between mainstream beauty and perceived beauty.
'If someone's perceived beauty is different from the mainstream, it overrules it.'
Yes. Why? And why does it negate mainstream beauty? Because of this quote that I experimented on. It is from Sherlock. I was always a fan of the books, but this quote explained something crucial I observed as a pattern.
Definition:
"Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models"
I tried applying this quote to myself and thought of all the people I believed were attractive or beautiful. Who did they resemble to me? Did they resemble people I grew up idolizing as a kid? Or people I was amazed by? The answer was yes. What amazed me in them were reasons other than appearance, but their appearance makes us associate people that look like them with them. Make sense?
If I was amazed by an uncle as a kid, or my parents, or by friends, or by friends of friends, chances are I will find people that look like them or have similar appearance features very attractive. They become the familiar. On the other hand if I found certain people disturbing as a kid, those who did not give me a good impression, I will find people that look different to them appealing. Think of that. (Please remember to leave personality out of the people you know today when you are testing this theory. This is about beauty.
Think of people that made an impression on you as a kid. People you idolized. You are allowed to think of personality here, that's what creates our first impressions as kids. Then tell me if those you find physically beautiful today resemble the admired ones of your past in any way. That's when you have your answer)
P.S. some of you may not have grown up with idols. You're the ones who are not attracted to specific types. But you will, because you're experiencing it still.
Of course there are other aspects to beauty that have to do with aging that also applies to everyone, including the fact that our perceptions change. But that's a discussion for a another time.
Test that on yourself and gladly leave a comment.
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My conclusion to all our youth in our modern age trying their best to reach for the stars and losing confidence in their appearance no matter what they do. Men and women that require constant outside validation. This is for you. This is the formula you should think about because mainstream will only help you to a certain level. It will however, shatter you if it is all the feedback that you rely on in the beauty world. The one you want to attract already has a perceived type of appearance they find attractive. If you do not resemble that type (I am not talking about being overweight and not caring for yourself... that you can change... sometimes you don't even have to, but for health reasons, should) I'm talking about those who already work hard on themselves, even though you work on your appearance and have reached a reasonable level, nothing you do with it (speaking superficially) will change his/her perception if they do not respond positively at that point (you could focus on other aspects at this point and stop blaming your appearance). There is no sense in believing you are not pretty or handsome, because this study proves that it is not about that, it is about that person's perception. If they do react positively, then take it as a given that you are their type and don't obsess over it. This is the time to work on personality instead.
You may be appealing to one but completely not appealing to another, no matter how well trained and groomed you are. Master this formula, and superficial rejection will never affect you the same way again (unless it happens that often when people don't show any interest before knowing you, then revise the reasons). One person's perception is rarely about your overall beauty value. It is more about their own perceived beauty. You may not attract one person at some point in life, but you are going to thank the bejesus out of your genes for making you appealing to someone else that you admire. That's the beauty formula that should make you embrace who you are and work with it.
As Matthew Hussey said: 'I know that not everyone is my audience, that does not mean that I am not a good public speaker, it just means that not everyone is my audience.'
If anything, I hope this is what you take away from this.
Your social observer,
Thuraiya
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